Last night I spoke at the Grief Support Network in Boulder, Colorado. I shared parts of my grief journey that I've never shared before- the lack of community support and understanding I've received, as well as the physical challenges and limitations that resulted from my grief.

Standing in front of an entire room of people, sharing some of my most vulnerable experiences with loss, was a powerful reminder for me. A reminder of how to ride my emotional edge as well as honor my vulnerability and my grief.

How can I connect and share? Feel connected with others? Even when navigating my vulnerable inner terrain, my story of loss and trauma?

I've resisted my vulnerability for so long. I've resisted sharing anything about my grief. It hasn't felt safe to share my feelings and needs with others. Consequently, I haven't been getting my needs met very well. Read more about how to get your needs met.
 
In fact, recently, I've realized just how few of my needs are actually being met.

How much I've been living in a place that is more about survival than actually thriving. I've been feeling the impact of this on all levels of my life- especially in my relationships, money, and my ability to play and have fun. I've been stuck in the story of just getting my basic needs met- like food, clothing, shelter, making it through the day to day existence stuff. This is very much connected to living with my grief. In fact, simplicity has been crucial to regaining a sense of inner stability, to returning to life.

But as I return to life once again, I'm realizing that living in survival, with only my basic needs being met, is leaving me with little else. With very little affirmation and reassurance from others. Getting only a basic level of support from my relationships. Not enjoying playfulness, fun, ease and time away from work. From the outside, it might look like I'm getting all my needs met. But inside, I've been feeling a growing dissatisfaction with my life.

Disappointment, resentment, fear, discouragement, anger, sadness, hostility, feelings of withdrawing or lashing out- are all signs that specific needs are not being met.

Yes, your emotional body is the barometer of your needs. 

My grief journey has cracked me wide open. There's nothing like loss to awaken all the places within you that are unattended to, that lack nourishment and holding. The nature of grief is a process of release, letting go, endings. Holes arrive- in all layers of your life. Deep, painful wounds begin to surface, showing themselves in ways that have long gone unnoticed. Grief brings your pain, darkness and shadow to the light, to the surface.

As I shared with the Grief Support Network last night, there were two basic needs that were not met for me during my early grief process. Needs that became painfully clear during my grief. What came to light was the lack of support, holding, and structure that was missing in my life. Without a safe container- inside and out- there's no safety, no stability, and no baseline for growth and nourishment. It is a basic need. I had multiple challenges within my own physical body support systems. I also was forced to recognize that the support systems I had in place on the outside, were not able to meet me or hold me in my deepest pain. I was left feeling completely isolated, alone and ungrounded.

From a jyotish perspective, this baseline structure in life is shown through Saturn. He is your inner support system- like the skeleton, bones, the physical body. Saturn can also show you what type of outer structure and support is available to you. He is also the indicator of your grief. Everyone has grief because everyone has a Saturn. Wondering how grief touches your life? Look at Saturn in your jyotish chart.

Grief is your vulnerability.

It is the part of your life that has no answers, no solutions, no way to be repaired. It is the territory of loss and the process of letting go. This place is fragile- like a seed still incubating in the ground, waiting to burst forth. It is a transitional point, a time of change. The grief journey is a process of awakening- if we use it as such.

My own grief has been my biggest teacher in this life. It has been teaching me the fallacy of healing. I've been awakening to the realization that there is in fact nothing to fix or change within me. My grief has taught me about building a relationship with my vulnerability, my pain and discomfort, rather than resisting it or avoiding it.

Death has been such an intimate part of my existence. I've been reluctant and resistant to honor that reality. I loathe it in fact, but I can no longer deny this truth. Walking a path of life long grief, being forced to re-visit trauma and losses now several times over, has forced me to return to this place of vulnerability again and again.

This vulnerability is the wisdom of the 8th house of  your jyotish chart.

It is the house of vulnerability, that which you most fear and would rather not look at. It is your grief, pain, darkness and shadow. It is also your transformation and transcendence. It is your grief journey. To more deeply understand your relationship with grief and vulnerability, study the 8th house of your jyotish chart. Right now, Saturn is moving through Scorpio by transit, provoking these themes quite literally. The impact on everyone right now is very important. Read more about Saturn in Scorpio

As a human, your natural tendency is to resist your vulnerability. It isn't comfortable, so why move closer to it? Yet, leaning into the places that feels discomfort, can be extremely powerful and transformational. Leaning into your grief is the medicine for life.

The theme of this Saturn in Scorpio transit is to deepen your relationship with the emotional body, that most vulnerable inner terrain within you. In fact, to lean into your grief. Moon (your emotional body) is considered debilitated, or fallen, in Scorpio. The Moon wants to express itself, which is why it is considered exalted in Taurus, associated with the second house of speech. Moon in Scorpio, associated with the 8th house, is the most hidden house of the chart, therefor the Moon doesn't get to express itself; it gets lost, suppressed or avoided. The second house is also the mirror of the 8th house, expressing the polarities of inner and outer expression.

My grief continues to teach me about my own relationship with vulnerability- my own resistance, suppression and avoidance of my emotional body. The big waves all the way to the small ripples. The tide pools to the flooding of a high tide. I've also been learning a lot about other peoples resistance to their emotions- mainly as a result of witnessing others' discomfort with mine. And of course I always learn so much from my amazing clients- tracking their stories with grief, and how foreign this process is to most people.

As a body-centered expressive art therapist. I have been through several therapy programs, been to countless healers and sought quite a bit of support for my needs over the past many years. I also grew up in a spiritual community. None of these communities or supposed support systems have truly been able to honor my grief in a way that has felt safe. I’ve been disappointed and challenged so many times by the lack of holding and support that I have received for my emotion, for my grief. I say this because in my experience, it is very rare to be held, witnessed and fully seen in the grief process.

I have found that in our culture there is little to no holding for grief. As a result, most people grieve in isolation. Alone, with no one to mirror to them that they are safe, held, supported, normal. The truth is, it is entirely normal to feel pain as a result of loss. I want to see grief normalized.

The grief process has the potential to be a powerful transformational journey. It can awaken us, heal us and create more resiliency- if we have the right resources and support- inside and out. Community holding is one of the most important resources I’ve found, as well as re-learning how to live in your physical body through embodiment resources. But this process requires consistent nonjudgmental holding, witnessing, affirming and a safe container- in order to fully support the metamorphosis of the healing process- inner and outer. It requires that your vulnerability is honored and allowed to exist.

Your past experiences and stories, all impact your ability to feel safe. To feel safe with your feelings, emotions- and the expression of them. Wherever you've experienced a lack of holding, criticism or judgement, you will naturally resist moving closer to these parts of you that are in pain. Your grief will amplify this lack. The places where you feel vulnerable and unsafe.

Are you listening?

Your grief is begging you to not just honor your vulnerability, but to lean into it more closely. It wants you to allow it and be in a relationship with it. Your grief and your vulnerability are hugging each other closely. From this place, profound potential is created. Within your loss and the fragility of this pain, there is something more that is available to you. Your vulnerability can you teach you this. Your grief can help you awaken to the places within that scare you the most- so that you can heal them, re-shape them, and re-create your life. It is through the wisdom and intelligence of your emotional body, that you can truly arrive in radical self awareness, your inner truth, as well as your deepest needs for nourishment.

I want to make sure you don't walk this territory alone. That you have the holding and support that I did not receive. That you get the nourishment of being honored in your grief journey and for your grief journey- in way that truly helps you awaken to its gifts. Now I know what works, and I'm committed to sharing these resources with you.

I'll be sharing more resources in the coming days for those of you, like me, who are navigating the grief process- a lifelong journey of deepening your emotional body wisdom.

Look for more resources, guidance and support coming in the next few weeks to support you with your healing and transformation through loss. I'll also be sharing a special offering for those of you dedicated to your spiritual awakening through grief. Follow Along

Use this Tapping Meditation to work through your grief process- when you feel stuck, afraid or resistant to change. Remember that we always start with "truth tapping" by expressing feelings and experiences that feel challenging. This is a vital part of the process and paves the way for transformation and healing.

In the podcast below, I share a tapping (EFT) sequence with you that will guide you through transforming and releasing the old stories and invite in more receptivity. Remember, we start with identifying the challenges, then moving into possibility and desires in order to transform our shadow into light.

Use this podcast as you tap through these points:

Karate chop point (side of the hand).
Crown of the head.
Eyebrow point (above the eye).
Side of the eye.
Under the eye.
Under the nose.
Chin point (crease of the chin).
Throat point (collar bone/throat chakra).
Heart point (center of chest).
Stomach point (above the navel).
Side body (nipple line at side of chest).

Tap six to ten times on each point and just keep cycling through the points. Repeat the phrases I use aloud. Notice any thoughts, stories, memories or emotions that emerge as you tap. These are important pieces to return to, do more tapping on, as a way to clear blockages. As always, if the words I use don't work for you, change them to support your process more fully.

Share your experiences below! What emerged for you in this process? Excited to hear from you!

Today I hit my breaking point.

I've been bumping up against so many unmet needs recently. This process of confronting all my holes and emptiness intensified today. All the places in me where I feel empty. Places within where I don't feel nourished. These many places of malnourishment. The places in me that can't seem to get what they really need. This shows up as dissatisfaction, disappointment and loneliness. It is the part of me that feels separate from others and resists the nourishment it actually yearns for.

This place.

I took an unconscious, silent vow a long time ago. This vow has meant that I must stay in the role of giving and support. Support for my family and their needs; to be the caretaker in the tribe. I took this vow as a child in order to get certain needs met, to survive. I learned the duty of giving, yet I now lack the skill of asking for what I need, and the ability to fully receive.

Receiving is vulnerable territory.

I wasn't taught how to be in the role of receiving or how to ask for my needs to be met. As a result, many needs continue to go unmet. The malnourishment continues to emerge and the fear of being vulnerable enough to ask for what I really need, feels overwhelming.

My mother was a powerful giver.

She affirmed her love in extraordinary ways to me- daily. She showed up for me, spoke words of love and affirmation continually and constantly reminded me that I was loved and cherished, that I was a special part of this universe. Since her sudden passing several years ago, this void within me has deepened. It has felt impossible to fill my daily love quotient. So I have just about given up.

But these needs have not gone away. In fact, they are now starting to get louder. The emptiness is starting to be more forceful with me these days.

The painful emotions emerging recently have been helping me identify what it is that I truly need. There are many needs.

But today, I identified the biggest need right now: hearing words of affirmation; knowing that others see me and honor me for who I am, how I am. Part of me is still too terrified to really ask for these needs to be met in my intimate relationships. Part of me is still too afraid of being this vulnerable.

So I took these needs and these emotions with me on my evening walk. I tapped (EFT) on the pain- speaking aloud the story and the feelings, the emptiness, the vulnerability, the lack. I started to move these heavy emotions and the old stories; the wounding of always being in the support role and how uncomfortable it feels to fully receive. I tapped out this old story of my vow, my duty, to care take others and the weight of this responsibility.

On the other side of this story and these emotions, I found an opening.

I decided I needed to created a new practice. A practice to honor my needs and to actually practice how to express these needs. A way to actually practice how to ask for my needs to be met.

I invite you to join me in this practice of asking for your needs to be met.

It's a simple practice, but one that takes courage.

Step 1)

Every day check in with your inner landscape. Start with a four level check in. Notice what's arriving on the four levels of your being. Pay close attention to the emotional body.

If you've been following along with my posts the past few weeks, I've been sharing resources specifically for the emotional body. By now you've heard me say that the emotional body helps us get our needs met. Why?! Because underneath the emotion you are feeling is in fact a need. A need that is either being met- or not being met. Your job is to ask and inquire about the underlying need. What is the need underneath the emotion?

Step 2)

Identify what you need and find your words. For example say: "I need to hear that I matter." or "I need to hear that I'm cherished, loved and supported."  Today, I actually needed to hear that "life is going to turn out OK." Stick to the statement "I need" for now. 

Be as specific as you can. This is part of the practice. Identifying exactly what your need is. Notice how you want this need to be met- verbally, with an action, with presence, etc.

Step 3)

Vocalize what you need. The next step is to practice sharing your need with at least five close family or friends. People that you trust and feel safe with. Ask them exactly what you need and how you need them to show up for you. I encourage you to practice this daily. Check in with what you need, identify how you need this to be met, then practice expressing this need to others.

Pay close attention to the tone of your words as you speak your needs. Make sure you are asking from a place of loving kindness. You can also practice texting or emailing your needs to others.

Step 4)

Receive. The last piece is to receive the nourishment arriving. Allow yourself to be fed. When someone responds to your request with affirmation, presence or an action, allow yourself to receive it. How does it feel when your need is honored, when it is met? Where do you feel this in your body? Drop into the receptive and do so consciously. This is practice for arriving in receiving. A process of eating and digesting the nourishment of life.


I started this practice tonight. After receiving many offerings of love and gratitude, verbal nourishment, I feel full. My heart feels softer, gentler, more accepting and willing to surrender to life. 

I will be continuing this practice of receiving. Let's practice together!

Share your experiences with me below. Remember when you share a comment here, you are connecting directly with me.

In love gratitude for your whole being,

Swati*


I'll be sharing more resources in the coming days for those of you, like me, who are navigating the grief process- a lifelong journey of deepening your emotional body wisdom. Look for more resources, guidance and support coming in the next few weeks to support you with your healing and transformation through loss. I'll also be sharing a special offering for those of you dedicated to your spiritual awakening through grief. Follow Along

Over the course of the last two weeks, I've been sharing resources and guidance to support you in the navigation of your emotional body.

This conversation about the emotional body and getting your needs met is so vital.

Why does this matter? Who cares about feeling? About leaning in to the emotional body?

What's the point of all of this feeling?! It's hard work. It's challenging. It takes courage and devotion to continually arrive. To keep showing up for your feelings.

I would be lying if I said it was easy. But here's the truth:

The purpose of the emotional body is not just to expand your experience as a human being, but to help you get the nourishment you need in this life. The nourishment that you so desperately yearn for.

This task of emotional body literacy is not easy for this one reason.

It's part of your soul's journey to be well fed by life- to get what it what it needs in order to thrive. It's a process of growth, stretching, leaning in, creating, creating again, re-shaping, endlessly trying. Like a plant, reaching towards the sunlight.

The first step is to show up for your emotional body. To practice this arriving. Then you can harvest the needs underneath the emotions.

Once you arrive in this place of identification, of confrontation, of discovery... now what?!

You've found your core need, but what do you do about it?

The majority of your needs can be met- somehow, some way. They can be discovered and uncovered. They can be used as resources to get the nourishment you need. This is an empowering place to arrive.

But what happens when needs can't be met?

What happens when needs have no way of being resolved?

This is the territory,  the inner terrain, I find myself in right now- as I navigate deep grief and loss.

I'm approaching the anniversary of my mother's sudden passing. I'm identifying so many needs. So many needs that are a result of this loss. My heart longs for her. It longs for the way that she showed up in my life. Ways that no one else can satisfy.

What do you do with these needs? The needs that are connected to loss, to grief, to the holes that can't be filled?

I need her voice. I need her touch. I need her daily reminders. I need her affirmations. I need the way she chose to support me with her unyielding love, with her loving words.

This is the hole that can't be filled.

No matter how many affirmations I receive. No matter how many relationships choose to show up for me with presence. No matter how many times I declare my needs to others, this hole remains.

I'm hearing these needs loud and clear. I'm choosing to attend to my grief with intention and devotion right now. Honoring these wounds within that can never be filled. The void. The holes. Left by loss.

I am conscious about navigating this inner space.

I know I could fill it mindlessly. I know I could throw things and people and food and avoidance into this hole. Part of me wants to be rescued- by my boyfriend, by family members or friends, by someone or something; a dangerous desire that will only create more malnourishment.

I know this dangerous road because I've tried all the most popular avoidance tactics.

Most people choose the unconscious path. The path of mindlessly filling voids and holes- all the places that long for stillness and presence.

But instead I choose to linger. In the vastness of my pain. In the emptiness of these inner longings. In the longing. For my mother. For my father. For the nourishment and love only they can provide.

I'm conscious of the fact that huge needs are present in me. That I want them to find wholeness. And yet- no one can actually be or say or arrive as my mother would. As my father would. I'm conscious of this.

And yet the pain remains. And yet the needs remain.

How do I attend to these needs with presence, with heart-centered devotion?

How to reach out and ask for support with these gaping needs?

Can these needs truly be attended to?

There is no healing, truly. There is only change and co-creation. There is awakening to, arriving. There is the simplicity of this moment and that moment. There are moments of nourishment and moments that beckon for more.

So I dance. I create. I sing and make music. I express it and share my pain. And I encounter this longing within- again and again.

I notice all the ways in which it could drive me to unconsciousness, to avoidance, to resistance, to anger at other people. I notice how this hole within me stings and bites- myself and others.

This hole, with its many needs, is teaching me to stay present.

It is keeping me conscious, present. It keeps me returning to this place of emptiness within- again and again.

It is my reminder that some things cannot be fixed.

It is my reminder that there is actually nothing to fix.

It is a space within that could drive me to more unconsciousness or it can move me towards greater consciousness. In my life, this painful hole, is teaching me the power of my grief journey. It is the power of awakening through loss.

I know many of you understand the challenges, hardship, and the deep pain of loss. I know you're navigating grief- likely alone, in isolation, without the holding and support that you need.

Like so many, we do this powerful grief work alone. But I know your grief is begging you to reach out and extend your branches, to get your needs met- in new ways, more conscious ways.

I am committed to supporting you in your path awakening, helping you transform your pain into fertile, creative space. Space that can lead you to possibility, openness and joy.

It's a powerful time of year for turning inward.

In the coming days, I'll be sharing special resources for those of you walking the grief journey- who want to use this pain, hardship and loss as a path of profound spiritual awakening.

I'll also be sharing more about a special offering for those of you who are ready to heal and awaken through your darkness.

Did you miss out on my Space Clearing the Heart workshop?!
You can listen to Part One for *free* right now. Listen now, it's only available for a few more days. Listen Now

Just after Sun shifts into Virgo on September 16th, the full Moon in Pisces occurs with a penumbral lunar eclipse. This eclipse ends the unusually long eclipse portal that began on August 18th with an “almost” lunar eclipse. At the time of the full Moon (Purnima), the Moon has barely entered Pisces and will be under a degree- literally propping open the door between Aquarius and Pisces. This sandhi Moon is in very fragile and vulnerable territory, yet extremely spiritual as well.

The penumbral lunar eclipse on the 16th will be visible in much of Europe, Asia, Australia, Africa, Western South America, Pacific, Atlantic, Indian Ocean, Arctic and Antarctica. It will not touch North America. The eclipse will begin at 10:54 am MDT, ending at 14:53 MDT. The maximum eclipse will occur at 12:54 pm MDT. From a Vedic perspective, it is not advised to be outside during the eclipse. Stay covered if you have to be out and about- especially your head and eyes. As the eclipse portal comes to a close, a release process is taking place. This may take several more days or weeks to integrate fully.

Get the entire Full Moon Wisdom report with a Membership

As you move through this eclipse portal cycle, integrating and digesting the powerful themes of this shadowed time, there will be strong emotional body waves activated. This is a cleansing cycle, a time to move out grief and harvest rich inner wisdom that has long been covered up by your shadow. Use this Tapping Meditation as a resource for uncovering your emotional body pain, so you can find the needs underneath the big feelings. Then follow up with the Creative Ritual below. Attend to the space you've created with consciousness and presence.

Step One:

Grief Tapping Meditation

Step Two:

Awakening Inner Space ~ Creative Ritual

We worked a lot in this Space Clearing the Heart Workshop with noticing the internal landscape, what is arriving. As we continued to cultivate inner presence during the class, I asked you to notice the space within your body. Where do you feel more space in the body? Where does this space arrive within you? How does it feel? This space within is ripe with potential and possibility. It is fragile and vulnerable, but also very powerful. This creative ritual will help you continue to cultivate a relationship with this inner space.

1) Using craypas, paints or pencils, create an image of the space you are cultivating a relationship with. What does this space feel like within you? Create an image that expresses this feeling using colors, textures and shapes. Allow 10 to 20 minutes at minimum for this image. Title your image.

2) Use your image to inspire a movement exploration. Let your body move in response to your space image. Use the intention of "moving with this feeling of space in the body". What sensations emerge for you during your dance? What awareness? Allow 5 to 10 minutes for this movement exploration. I encourage you to extend this time frame as you recycle this process.

* If you are in an acute grief phase, you may wish to simply hold a shape in the body, to mirror your space image, rather than move the image.

3) Harvesting. In your journal answer these questions:
I am, I want, I need, I sense, I feel, I imagine.

How do you want to attend to this space within? What is your intention?
What am I opening to? What am I closing to?